Change--

Hey there everyone, 

This blog is going to be a bit sappy/sentimental- but bear with me. 

When I was little, about four years old, my parents came to me and asked me if I wanted a baby brother or a baby sister. At the time I was just a wide-eyed kid who didn’t understand these types of questions, so naturally my answer was ‘a baby goat!’ I mean come on, who wouldn’t want a baby goat!? Goats are awesome man! Fast forward a few more years, and I had two younger sisters, AND goats. 

Around the same time, when I was about eight, I started going to this really cool summer camp. The beautiful thing about summer camps is the natural environment of acceptance. At camp you’re just a kid having fun while taking some kick ass classes. I got to learn how to canoe/kayak, made some funky arts and crafts, and even got to go down a zipline. However, the best part about it was the friends I’d make. Every summer I’d go, and I’d meet new people who would be my best friends for a week. We never knew much about each other, but that’s what made it so special. They just liked you for you, wanted to be your friend because they liked your humor or imagination. No matter what I always had a blast there, so of course when I got the chance to work when I turned seventeen, I was running back to make more memories with some pretty cool people. 

Before I knew it senior year of high school came and went, and I was leaving home for what felt like the first time in my life. I’d obviously left home before, but this was different. I was going out on my own and this wasn’t just a week long summer camp. I was going to school five hours from where I’d grown up, with no one familiar (except one junior who had graduated from school a few years ahead of me). Everyone goes through this, everyone leaves home eventually, but sometimes it comes faster than we expect it too. Now that I’m sitting here writing this blog, it still boggles my mind that I’m in college- yet alone done with my freshman year. It’s one of those things where they say ‘it goes by in a blink of an eye’, but you don’t believe them until it’s true. 

The hard part about growing up is the change. I know these seemingly unconnected examples don’t make any sense about anything at the moment, and you probably think I’ve fallen off my rocker again- but just bear with me. Last year I lost my first goat Debbie. She was a sweet girl, a queen bee, and an experienced mother. When we pulled up to our family friends to pick out a goat, my dad asked me what I was looking for in a doe (a female goat if you don’t know the lingo), and I told him in complete confidence that I wanted the first goat that ran into my arms. He said it ‘doesn’t work that way’. It’s funny how things work sometimes- because when we walked into her barn, a three-month-old baby ran at me and quite literally jumped into my arms. She was a triplet, and her mother didn’t seem to want her, so Darleen (the woman who’s farm we were at) was bottle feeding her and would let her out into the walkway of the barn. We were inseparable. I named her after Debbie Dullie from ‘Good Luck Charlie’. About a year later we got Daphne. We went to another family friend who had these all-white goats called Saanens. I don’t remember what drew me to her, but what I do remember is the fact that she was the runt of that year's babies, and she didn’t have very good form. As a family of 4-H’s who intended to show our goats at the local fair, form was an important factor in picking out a yearling. My dad fell in love with another six-month baby and said she was a good choice, but I was set on Daphne. He didn’t understand what I saw in her, but he respected my opinion and within an hour we were on the road back home with Daphne in the back of the truck- debating about names before settling on Daphne after Daphne from ‘Scooby-Doo’. Yesterday we had to put Daphne down. It’s hard to say goodbye to an old friend who you’ve spent years caring for. I didn’t get to say goodbye to Debbie- she was bred by accident early fall ‘21, even though she was too old to give birth. We didn’t know until it was too late, and she passed on my prom night spring ‘23 while I was away. Only one of her baby’s made it. It was hard to come home and hear the news at midnight after a fun night, and harder with her absence in the barn. But Daphne’s passing was different. I knew she wasn’t going to live much longer for a while now- she had bad arthritis in her knees, to the point where she could barely walk most days. She laid down a lot of the time, and she couldn’t keep up with the others anymore. I had to say goodbye to her yesterday, knowing that she wouldn't be there that night. I’ve lost goats before but losing these two felt different. I’ve had them for ten years. I cared for them, I showed them, I took them on walks, watched them have their first babies- and they watched me grow too. They have witnessed just as much of my life as I had theirs. My first goats, both gone. When I was younger, I remember dreading the thought of them dying, but I always told myself it was a far-off thing I didn’t have to worry about yet- but time flies when you’re not paying attention. The part that hurt the most was the fact that I felt like I wasn’t present with them the last few years, I took it for granted. But yesterday, when I sat with her, I made sure to thank her for everything she’d done for me- I told her to give ‘em hell. 

Camp has always been a part of my life- just as my goats have. I thought I’d go there for the rest of my life. I went for seven years, and then worked two years. So close to that tenth year. I was a counselor summer ‘21, and then summer ‘23 I was asked to be the waterfront director because we were short on the position. I was younger than the rest of the senior staff, and I wasn’t in cabins with the kids anymore- it was different. Not necessarily in a bad way though, but it was hard. I felt like I was always fighting the urge to fit in and losing. I tried too hard to make sure I seemed cool to my senior staff members, but I knew they wouldn’t have cared if I was cool or not. They liked me for me, but I wasn’t really sure who that was yet, so I did what I did to make sure I felt like I was fitting in. While doing this, I was more overwhelmed than ever, and my mental health was plummeting. I’d spend breaks sitting in the boathouse, staring at the floor numb as tears ran down my face. I knew I’d have to go back out there and teach a class- but it was so hard to put on that happy smile and pretend like I wasn’t drowning under seven feet of water. I knew my coworkers saw it, a few had to help me while in the midst of a breakdown, but it was something that always weighed on me every minute or every day. This summer they asked me to come back- they needed a waterfront director again, and I had the experience. But something was stopping me. I had to turn it down, I knew I did- but it felt like one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in a while. Training started for this summer a few days ago, and it crushed me a little harder than it had before. To see my friends posting pictures together, having fun- excitement written all over their faces with the anticipation of the new summer. A lot of the senior staff told me it’s their last year working, they’re graduating college next year and have to make more money than they are at camp- but they wanted one last hurrah. I knew I needed to come home- to be with my family after the whirlwind year I’ve had. Last summer I was barely home, and I only had four days after camp ended before I was off to school. I want nothing more to go back- but times are changing, and I owe it to myself to take a break, work on my mental health, and find out who I am without the normalcy of my older self. If that makes sense. 

Coming home this summer was a hard decision to make. It was the right choice, but it’s hard when you’ve changed and so have the people you love. Change is good, it’s natural- but the longer I’m home, the more I’m realizing that I’m an adult- a person who won’t be living at home much longer. I’ll never permanently live at home anymore, and that’s one of the scariest thoughts I’ve had in a while. I knew there was a reason I had to come home this summer, and I think it was to realize that. I needed to be home- to be with my sisters, to make some more money to pay for school, to see my parents and how they’re changing their mindsets. I got to be with Daphne, I get to go on a family vacation to see my relatives I haven't seen in years next week, but most of all I needed to realize that my life is changing. 

I went from a little naive kid- to a semi less naive adult. Growing up is one of the weirdest things we all experience. From goofy kids, to awkward pre-teens/teens, to confused young adults, getting by adults, and so forth. What all of these stories have in common is the fact that they were all things that were normal and part of my childhood, that have all changed within the last year. I’m no longer living at home most of the year, and I’m seeing that soon I’ll be living on my own with my roommates, a job, and maybe even a cat. My childhood goats have moved on, and the herd is getting smaller than we’ve had it in about nine years- my parents are downsizing, planning for retirement within the next few years. My sisters are entering high school next year, my parents are looking to move after they graduate- and the home I’ve grown up in will no longer belong to our family. A constant summer tradition in my life, a home away from home- is no longer in my life, and it makes me want to cry from time to time- but I need to move on, because I know it’s time and I owe it to myself to care for me. Life is so weird, it comes in stages, and it changes frequently. What’s been hard for me, and a lot of people my age, is coming to terms with that. Realizing that the lives we were so used to, the only lives we knew, are different now. But that isn’t a bad thing. I mean at first it does feel bad, it’s hard to accept change into our lives, but it’s a naturally occurring thing in life. The world around us doesn’t remain the same, so neither should we. It’s a matter of navigating these changes, and accepting them, to be able to grow as an individual. This is a summer of change for a lot of us, which is so so scary- trust me I know- but it’s time to be ok with it happening.

So, let's navigate this ship together- or should I say canoe ;) 

Lee