Acknowledgment

Hey there,

Sometimes the hard part about healing, is the healing. 

It’s hard to take accountability, to realize when you were in the wrong, or when you’ve hurt people- it can be hard to come to terms with it all. The events of your childhood, the mistakes you make, and the inevitable ‘back to square one’ moment. However, it all tends to happen for a reason, and you need to remember that healing doesn’t happen overnight- it takes time, and effort. 

I’ve had my fair share of starting over moments and have been going through current realizations of my own tendencies. Sometimes these are things we inherit from the way we grew up, or how we were treated throughout school. Maybe you were bullied, or maybe you grew up in an unloving home, or an unsafe environment. For me, I’m guilty of avoiding my feelings, the things that are bothering me, and then expecting them to all magically go away and fix themselves. I’ll wake up one day and think, ‘finally, it’s all better now!’ But that’s not how the world works (no matter how much we want it to be). The reality is that you have to put the work towards healing yourself, you can’t avoid the things that make you uncomfortable or the things that you feel. 

It’s valid to be hurt, 

It’s valid to be sad, 

It’s valid to be angry.

If it happened to you, and it’s affected you- that’s valid to acknowledge. But you can’t turn away from those things, and you can’t get angrier when they don’t actually go away. 

The other truth is that we aren’t perfect. 

I’ve talked about this before, but I didn’t take my own advice. 

I’ve been known to tell someone something, and then turn around and do exactly what I told them not to do. I think we might all be a little guilty of this, considering it’s easier to look at someone and give them advice/to be honest with someone else when it’s not about you. It’s almost as if that separation makes it easier to preach all these ideas about advice/and feeling feelings, when it’s not ‘about you’, when really you should be listening. Because usually the advice you’re giving to someone else, can turn out to be a universal truth. 

For me, you see, I think that I’m supposed to strive to do my best, to be perfect.

It doesn’t matter if it’s in classes, or in sports, or even socially. If I’m not living up to the false expectations that I set for myself, then what’s my worth? I need others to validate my actions, choices, work, and even myself as a person. If I don’t get that validation, sometimes I get jealous and wonder why I wasn’t able to get what someone else might have gotten, and then I get sad because I think I have no worth. However, the key here is that no one else set these standards for me- I set them. 

For the longest time I thought that I was doing all this for other people. Part of it may be for other people but It’s also something- it’s an experience and thoughts that I’m inflicting onto myself. For no reason I set these expectations or say cruel things in my head- thinking that it’ll push me to do better, to be better.  

I’ve learned that I have tendencies, and that some of these tendencies aren’t fair to myself, but they especially aren’t fair to the people around me:

When I was a kid, I’d stay home and have to take care of my sisters if my parents were out. I thought that by being the sole ‘person in charge’, I needed to act like a parent or something of that nature. My siblings and I would argue, and I’d blow up and yell for no reason. They would too, but as the older sibling, I should have realized that what we were arguing about wasn’t actually a big deal. I also should have realized that I wasn’t the parent, I was twelve, so of course I’d get annoyed at my sisters from time to time- but I took what I saw my parents do and I ran with it. I thought that I had to act that way, and when I failed, I would get beyond upset (which I also might have learned LOL). Another example was when I was in high school, when I ran on the track team, I would have this constant stream of terrible remarks I’d say to myself for not running as fast as the others. I kept saying these things over and over as if it was going to change anything- as if I was going to run any faster by degrading myself or my teammates in my head. And the thing is, I had total control over my thoughts. I could have stopped and smelled the roses and realized that it didn’t actually matter if I got fifth place or thirteenth place. It was High School Track, no one really cared all that much. However, I was so convinced that I needed to be ‘the best’, that I was so mean for absolutely no reason at all. 

Unfortunately, I still do this to myself on a regular basis. I get so worked up over my classes, and if I don’t understand something fully, I end up getting frustrated with myself. I don’t see the worth of continuing to do said thing if I’m not doing it perfectly. I even get mad at myself for not being in a relationship (crazy I know right), wondering what I’m doing wrong- but I haven’t done anything wrong. 

It’s ok to just be for a while. 

I need to learn to be ok with me just being, because what do these thoughts do for anyone? 

And at the end of the day, I don’t really believe these things- but I know I have these tendencies, and I want to learn how to fix them.

Everyone has value in this world. 

And me having thoughts like that- that set up this false standard of the world, is definitely a product of my childhood. I’m beyond harsh on myself, because that’s what I saw when I was a kid. I saw it everywhere- No one talks about it, but I think this is something we’ve all done. It’s a product of the constant comparison we make of ourselves to others- and the more insecure a person you are, the more you might make these ‘standards’ for yourself. 

Realizing these things, realizing that we have tendencies, and then further realizing we don’t want to be these things- is a step in the right direction of healing. 

I don’t want to need others' validation anymore; I want to be able to make my own decisions and be happy with said decisions. I want to not be jealous of other’s for understanding something better than I do in class, and not get mad at myself for not getting a high grade on an assignment I won’t even remember in the next five years. I don’t want to level my worth up to what others think of me anymore. And most of all I want to get out of my own head and the fake expectations my head has convinced me to follow. 

It’s so beyond hard, and sometimes I think I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to be happy, or to heal. But that’s not true. Bad people don’t fret about being bad, or don’t fear that they are hurting others. I want to be able to fill people with joy, and make sure that they feel comfortable when they’re around me. And more than anything I just want to be content just existing in my life. I don’t need to be this ‘unbeatable machine person’ thing, that does it all, because I’m human. 

We’re all human. 

And being human means feeling what you feel. Being patient with yourself on the hard days and being accepting of who you are as a person. Let yourself be you, show people who you really are, because I guarantee you, they will like who they see. 

So, surround yourself with people who make you happy, people who you feel like you can be open and honest with. If someone makes you feel like dookie, then maybe they aren’t right for you- separate from them. Find ways to counter those irrational thoughts- If you have one, sit and take a breath, redirect it into something that isn’t zero to one hundred. Remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do really, especially when in the healing process. Take the time you need and go through that process. Just remember that it doesn’t happen overnight, and that sometimes you take a few steps back before stepping forward again- but in the end you’ll get there. 

Life and healing aren’t linear, so we need stop trying to convince ourselves that they are. 

You’re good, 

You’re capable, 

You’re on the right path. 

Listen to your gut, your guides, whatever you believe in. 

Believe in yourself. 

Much love, 

- Lee