For the Cool People

Hey,

Do you ever feel like you’ve done the right thing, yet feel so sad at the same time? You’ve finally done something that was right for you, but you feel so darn guilty for doing the thing that was literally for you. Yeah, I get that feeling. I think it stems from the fact that we are critical people pleasers. I know I am, and I think that if you relate to this feeling, then you probably are too. It’s a hard feeling to navigate. That overall want to make sure everyone is happy in life (and you want to be happy too), but it feels like no matter what you do, it doesn’t work that way. There isn’t a way for you to be able to make all the moves, to make it all work out. Yes, we can try, but the world will throw decisions, moments, bumps in the road right at you, so that you have a lose lose no matter what you end up choosing. 

It’s usually nothing detrimental, it’s not really the end of the world, but we feel like it is- and that’s because we can’t make sure everything fits into place perfectly. No matter how much I want it all to work out, for it all to play out and see all the outcomes, it won’t. I want to sit here and see it all through, pick the best option so that my mom can be happy, my sisters, even my dad. So that my friends can be happy and live the best lives that they deserve, that they deserve more than I do. Because what makes me so special? Why should I get that position at work, the one I’ve wanted for so long, or at least the one I thought I wanted. Lee isn’t anything special- but what if they are? What if deciding that I won’t take that position is ‘selfish’ to some, but it’s what was right for me. Sure, I did what I needed for me, but that meant that I couldn’t look at what the other people in my life might have wanted from me. 

I’ve sat here, my entire fucking life, doing what I thought the world expected of me, what I thought was best for the others in my life. I honestly don’t know why I did sports for as long as I did, when I was so beyond unhappy. Why did I bother to join the honors society? Well, it looks good on applications- but did that mean I wanted it, or was I doing it because I have the grades and was the type of person who joins the honors society. I’ve had people congratulate me for getting high honor roll, while simultaneously playing sports, extracurricular activities, and participating in band and chores. 

I can’t believe one person could do all that!? 

Me either. 

No matter what it is, I look for the validation. If I don’t have that reassurance that I’m doing good, that I’m making others happy with accomplishments, awards, success, positions, grades, and so much more. Without that, I don’t know what I am- I mean, I do, but I also don’t. 

I don’t believe in my own voice, that little deeply deeply buried voice, that is yelling and screaming to be heard. All she wants is for someone to see her for who she really is. I’m not sure if anyone saw me in school, as a kid, because I purposely buried her. I hid that kid away so I could be easier on my parents, my teachers, my friends. I needed them to be happy, so that they could live their lives and enjoy themselves. 

But then where does that leave me? 

It leaves me stuck in my head, in my thoughts that swirl around and around, paralyzed to make a decision for myself. I can’t do anything about what I want, because what about person one, or person two! Not to mention people three and four!? What would they think about what I do now? Don’t get me wrong, I want to be able to do something for myself, but time and time again I find myself here- sitting and writing about the things that have hurt me, the reason for why I feel stuck. Right now I’m stuck, because I made a decision for myself, what I think was right for me- but I can’t help but wonder what the possibilities could have been. 

What would it have been like if I took that position? What would it have been like to be coworkers with my friends, in the job I wanted all last semester. But when the time came, I wasn’t happy. I thought I would be jumping for joy, but my heart hurt. Who knows, maybe it was because it was going to be a change, that I didn’t want to move out of the room that I found a home in- at this school that felt so foreign for too long. When you find something good in your life, shouldn’t you be happy that you have it, and hold onto it? Unless that thing needs to be let go of? But if that thing isn’t ready to be let go of- why let go of it? 

It’s ok that I said no. Other opportunities will come into play, at least I hope that they will. For now, I need to know that it’s ok to make a hard decision, it’s ok to say no. I’ve never been able to say no, about anything. It’s caused me to be taken advantage of, both physically and mentally. It’s not fair that a person who likes to see the good in people, a person who thinks they are doing the right thing to help the others around them, is then taken for granted. But I still do it. I still do what others want, I let their voices block out that kid that is drowning under the pressure. Maybe someone thinks it’s a mistake, thinking that I’m letting up on something that has good benefits- but if they really know me, and I let them see that pain, then they’ll know. 

It’s ok to let them see, and it’s ok to let them down. If they truly love you, then they will never really be disappointed. They will see that it was what was best for you, because it’s not about them in that moment. It’s ok to let yourself be selfish. It’s ok to feel what you feel, and it’s ok to be sad when you know what you have to do, even when that thing is not what you thought you would end up doing. Saying no, turning opportunities down because you aren’t ready for them, isn’t a crime. It’s a part of being human, and as a human, you deserve to be happy too. 

I don’t know if this will hit home with you, and maybe this was just for me, but maybe there is someone out there who feels the same way that I do. Maybe you’re hurting too, and don’t know why you are. Maybe you’re tired of giving and giving, and feeling like you’re not cared for the way you care for others. Maybe you’re just a sad little kid deep down just like me. It’s ok to be these things, at least that’s what I’m trying to remind myself of. Life can be shit, and can feel like it’s beating you the hell down, but you’re stronger than you think you are. Because we’re survivors, and the thing about survivors, is that they’re pretty damn cool. 

Stay cool. 

- Lee