Intentions & Affirmations

Happy New Year Bloggers!

Today, January first, marks the end of a tough year and the beginning of a new one. 

So, as we all know, when it comes to New Years, a lot of us tend to participate in what we call ‘new year's resolutions’. In doing so, we set goals for ourselves and think about what we want our year to look like, what achievements we want to push for. However, when we make these ‘resolutions’ a lot of us fall off of the ride by mid-January. With this in mind, I want to talk about the year and set what I’m going to call my intentions and affirmations.

For many of us, this year was very difficult. This year, especially within the last six months for me at least, came a lot of unexpected changes. To start off I was really struggling mentally. I was so depressed I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed a lot of mornings, and I wanted it all to end. It’s not really that I wanted to die, I was just so tired I didn’t want to have to deal with all the pain and hurt. So, I thought it would be easier to lay in my bed and sleep all day. In all reality, it really made things worse for me, and it’s all I could do to even get up in the morning and brush my teeth. If you’ve struggled with depression (or currently are struggling with depression), anxiety, suicide ideation, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, eating disorders, or any other form of mental health- I understand you. I’ve been there, I’m sometimes still there. This year was my breaking point when it came to my mental health, as I’d never before had so many depressive episodes, or lost as much motivation as I had this year. I had a few really dark moments, where I couldn’t see the end of the tunnel. I was surrounded by this cloud, and it started to pour. 

It didn’t help that once I got home for the summer, my parents told us they were splitting up. It wasn’t out of hate or a lack of love (necessarily), but due to other personal things I won’t fully dive into (at least not yet). I thought I was ok, that everything was going to be fine. I honestly cared more about how others were handling it instead of how I truly felt about the loss. It’s hard when you’ve lived your entire life thinking it wouldn’t happen to you, and then bam- divorce. At least I wasn’t alone, but with all that struggle, all that ignorance I held towards my own emotions- I ended up taking it out on the people I loved. The people who had been there for me no matter the circumstances. My best friend's Gab and Angelo got the brunt of it, but I also turned inward and hid what was happening, ignoring the others in my life who just wanted to care for me. I didn’t want to show them how I was feeling, and it all came out in anger. It took me over six months to realize how much I was really suppressing, and after a long conversation with my best friend, I realized how I was acting. Since returning home for the first prolonged period of time, after my second fall semester in college, I’m starting to open myself back up, letting all the pain and sorrow out. 

Sometimes, when you’re in that world of hurt, it’s hard to not let it consume you. I think that’s why I locked it away for so long, because if it was shoved away, then I didn’t have to feel it. However, when you do this, it doesn’t make that problem or emotion just ‘poof’ away. No, that pain will sit there and wait for the day the box open’s back up, and the minute it does, you’re forced to feel it all again, just as raw and painful as the day it was pushed there in the first place. That’s what I had to go through all of November and December. I had to let myself feel the hurt, wallow it in, but then I had to let go of the anger- not shove it deep down, but make peace with it. I had to recognize, take accountability, apologize, and move on from the way I had been acting. 

What I’ve also learned this year, is that sometimes you can’t actually make everyone better- you can’t always help them stay above water. While I was dealing with my own internal battle, I also fell into a repetitive cycle trying to focus my energy on the others in my life who were just as mentally ill (if not more) as I was. It’s hard to help carry someone else's stones when you can’t even keep your head above water. I had to see that it’s ok to let some people go, if it means you can live a better life for yourself. And I don’t say this with malice, or selfish intent- no I say this with pure, undoubtable, self-understanding. You can’t give all of your energy to people who don’t give any back, or someone who isn’t capable of getting better with the help you can’t offer them. What I mean by this is, at least in my shoes, I couldn’t give what a licensed professional could, and that with all my own struggles I wasn’t able to help myself while focusing so much into the other. It can be one of the hardest things for a people pleaser (like me) to say that you can’t help someone anymore. It took a lot of long conversations, lots of dwelling, tears, and a little bit (a lot) of frustration. 

Life is full of upset, and full of the unknown. I was more depressed than ever, dealing with my parents' divorce, worry for my sisters and their mental well being/safety, with my own hurt from my parents, the stress of caretaking another person, my social anxiety, and the daily stresses of being a college student five hours from home. 

With all of this in mind, these last few weeks, I’ve taken a step back. I have been evaluating my life and the things that overwhelm me, the things that make my life harder to live. What I realized in this process, is that I was focusing so hard on all the negatives, letting my bottled-up feelings take over my mind, and listened to my anxious thoughts more than I should have. I know I’m not able to change a lot of the things in this world that do cause me hurt, but what I can do (what we can all do) is take that step back, evaluate our lives, and then see what we can change/adapt too. 

So, in the spirit of adapting, let's see what things need to change, and what I can do to change them. Even if it is something as simple as drinking more water during the day to make sure my body is fueled correctly. 

     2023 Struggles: 

• Suppressing my emotions, not admitting when I’m not ok 
• Rushing to everyone’s side even when I can’t give anything 
• Not being able to say no when I don’t actually want to do anything 
• Overthinking when I want to do something and stop myself from doing it
• Holding myself back from the things I want to do because I don’t think I’m good enough for the good things that I could achieve
• Not communicating my feelings because I’m afraid they will hurt other people
• Going along with everyone else instead of doing the things I like 
• Not expressing myself how I want to express myself because I worry about how others may perceive me
• Asking for permission even though I’m an adult 
• Waiting for all the good things to happen, and not actually going after them 
• Expecting people to know how I feel without properly communicating, and then feeling sad/mad when they don’t know

Now it’s time to set my intentions for the following year! 

Like I said before, these aren’t just ‘resolutions’ that I don’t plan on continuing, these are things that I’ve been thinking about and attempting already to better my life as a whole (not just a temporary fix to my current situation). Like an affirmation, that you say and repeat to yourself every day. It puts out good energy into the universe, so that you can remind yourself of the things you would like to achieve and attempt to pursue with the best of intentions.

With that in mind, here is my list- 

    2024 Affirmations & Intentions:

• Journal daily the things I am thankful for in a bulleted list, or in paragraph form when I have a major realization
• Continue to blog and share progress on my life/achievements/ big feelings I think people can relate too
  • Post more interactive things on the Instagram (@Leez_Life27) 
• Write, anything and everything! It is my passion, and I should do what makes me happy 
  • Keep writing your novel! It’s good, and the first drafts don’t have to be perfect
  • Continue adding to ‘On Raising Goats’, which is my first personal collection of essays (a chatbook) on childhood struggles and the reality of growing up
  • Work on ‘The Feminist Urge’, my anthology of strong feminine leads in short stories, all grappling with the different realities of what it means to be a women in our world (through the eyes of fictional characters) 
• Express myself without being afraid of what anyone may think
  • I can wear however much jewelry I want, or whatever clothes I feel most comfortable in- it doesn’t matter if it’s more masculine or more feminine, I’m allowed to dress how I want
  • Cut and style my hair however I like too! It’s self expression, so it can be uniquely me! 
• Don’t hold back when I have something to add into the conversation, if someone doesn’t think the joke was funny- that’s ok! I did, and that’s what matters (not insensitive of course) 
• When something scares me, feel it, but then let it go! 
• Go after the things I want in life
• Don’t let my thoughts hold me back 
• Work and save money, but don’t stop myself from doing something because it costs some money (like going to the movies or going out to dinner with friends) 
• Remind myself that I only get one life, so go live it

The year is ending, but another is starting, and there’s something beautiful about that. 

Let’s start this journey of healing and finding peace together. 

For now, I’m signing off, but I’ll be back soon,

Much love, 

Lee