Adulting

Hey, 

It's currently pretty late, but I needed to write.

It’s the strangest feeling to be an adult, but also not being able to make adult decisions, or being fully considered an equal by those around you. I’m turning twenty in three days, and I’m starting to realize that I feel like I’m stuck between two lives. You see, when I’m at school I’m able to make my own decisions, spend my time doing what I want to do, and see the people I want to see. If I want to get dinner at six with friends, I just go do it. The dining hall is right there, and it’s just a no brainer. However, when I’m home, I’m stuck in this mindset that I have to ask for permission. I live out of my sister's room and out of a duffle bag. I don’t really have a place in the house anymore, so I just kinda drift around. It’s so beyond hard to learn how to readjust to a different way of living in an environment you used to be so comfortable in. 

I’m not complaining, I’m just saying how I feel right now. I mean I am, by legal standards, an adult, but I’m an adult without adult money and without the ‘experience’ of another adult. When you hit twenty/twenty-one, everyone looks at you and asks you how it feels to not be a teen anymore, and tell you that ‘you’re an adult now, you can make your own decisions’. While simultaneously you need to ask for permission because the roof over your head isn’t really yours, it’s your parents. They say you can do what you want, but the minute you drive somewhere at night they are no longer comfortable with that and are upset that you didn't tell them how late you were going to be (it’s only nine/ten o’clock and you went fifteen minutes to Walmart). It’s a hard balance, and a completely uncharted territory for a lot of people/parents. 

I’ve never been a kid to really party, to spend all my money on weed or drinks. I don’t go out, I mean I don’t mind socially interacting and hanging out, but I also don’t like being up past one in the morning. I like to stay in, and I enjoy coming back to my dorm and sleeping in my own bed. At the end of the day, that dorm feels more like a home to me than my own house does, and the minute I try to do something for myself to make it feel even more like a home- barriers are thrown up. I’ve wanted to get an emotional support animal for a while, but it’s not looking too great on that front right now. The paperwork is almost done, and I’ve gotten the ‘ok’ from the school, but now it’s the reality of my dad potentially not wanting the cat to live here in the house and other reasons that got lost in a conversation that didn’t go very well. To be honest, I can’t fully explain why I want a cat so badly, but what I can tell you is that the hurt from not feeling supported about something I think would be beneficial to my mental health is overwhelming. 

I’ve been depressed for some time now, and I struggle with social anxiety that gets in the way of me doing a lot of things in my life. I want to be able to go out and feel confident when I’m surrounded by lots of people, I want to be able to wake up and not feel that cloud looming above my head, and I want so badly to feel happy and content in my life. I thought that this would help me do that. Of course, it’s not going to be a fix, a small bandage over a bullet wound, but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I thought that by having a friendly little fur ball to come back to in my room everyday would make me smile and feel like I’m not so alone all the time. I have a roommate, but we aren’t always in the room together, and when I come back to the empty place, it feels void of feeling. I wanted to have a cat, so I didn’t have to feel that way all the time. It wasn’t going to be the only fix I was going to make, but it feels like that’s what a lot of people think it is. That it’s just a silly little dorm cat I wanted, so that I could be quirky and different. I know it’s not a normal college student thing to do, to want to have a pet, and to come back to them in the dorm everyday so I don’t feel so alone. I should be partying and getting black out drunk every weekend, right? No, that's no good either, it’s just not who I am. 

I know this sounds so silly- Like why is this bitch so sad about realizing that her parents don’t fully support her having a cat? It’s no big deal, get over yourself. 

I wish I felt like it was that easy, but it just feels like another slap in the face. I’m not, and haven’t done, anything ‘crazy’ in my life. I’ve stuck to the path that was set for me and kept my head down. I know getting a cat is no ‘crazy’ thing, but for my family it seems like they think it is. If it’s not supported by them, I can’t really go through with adopting, considering the animal would be here for a few weeks at a time throughout the year.

 But I’m an adult, right? I can do what I want right? You want to be able to go out and do other things in life, right? You want a car, right? You want a job over the summer, right? 

Yes, I do. 

But we can’t afford a car right now, and I can’t afford it on my own either- they told me this. I can’t afford to live on my own, they made that clear. We can barely afford college without taking out another loan, and then me taking an RA position if I even get offered a position for the fall. It was all made clear. 

I was going to do this on my own. They didn’t need to pay for the adoption fee, they didn’t have to pay for the vet bills, they didn’t have to pay for food or cat litter, they didn’t have to pay for anything. I was doing it all myself, but I wanted to be courteous that the cat would be living here so I wanted to tell them. Sure, I didn’t fully talk to my dad, but we never talk like that. However, it didn’t seem to matter. 

All good things, things that I thought could be good at least. When I want to do something for my mental health, it’s seemingly supported but not really at the same time. I know I'm an adult, I can do it on my own, but it’s hard to keep that mentality when everyone seems to want to make you think that you’re not. 

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be a pessimist about this, a Debbie downer if you will- but like I said in the last post, this year has been hella hard for me. I just wanted a win, something that could make me feel like I was starting a life of my own, one not defined by anyone else. But now? Now I’m not so sure. 

I can’t afford my own place, I can’t afford my own car, I can’t get a cat because I don’t have my own place/people think it's just a temporary fix. These are a lot of can't-s, so let's try to change this frame of mind. To attempt to end on a positive note. 

Yes, there are many things I can’t do, but I’m almost twenty. I made it this far; I’ve survived through a lot even after the few years I’ve had. Plenty of times I thought about how it would be easier to just disappear, to not exist anymore, but I didn’t give in. There is new uncharted territory for my family right now, and the next few months are kind of unforeseeable. What I can do is go back to college and continue my education there. I can take the time I need away from home again and start to define myself as the person I want to be. I want to like the person who I see in the mirror every morning, and I want to enjoy being alive. I’m working this spring, and I can save up, and then maybe I’ll look for a job away from home. I can leave this town for a while and heal away from it. It’s hard to admit that, but maybe this isn’t right for me anymore. I don’t know where I would work or what my living situation would look like, but I’ll start looking. I’ll keep pushing for an RA position next fall and see how that goes. Maybe after all that, I can go back home and stand strong in who I am. What I know now is, I can’t live here full time on breaks anymore. I would love to come home for the holidays, but I’m starting to see the patterns when I come back here. It’s scary, the unknown, but there are things I want in life, and I can’t hold myself back from them anymore. I can’t keep asking for permission, or that validation. 

For now, I’m going to keep my head high, and figure out what I’m going to do next. 

Alright, 

I think that’s enough philosophical talk for tonight.

Goodnight bloggers, 

Lee