Fear

Life is scary, trust me I know. 

It’s scary, full of change, choices, obstacles, and lots of hurt. 

I’ve always been one to sit back and hide from confrontation, making decisions is my least favorite thing, so I avoid it at all costs. However, that’s not any way to live a life. I taught myself to ignore my problems, to ignore my feelings, pretending to be fine. When things go tough, I would get overwhelmed, and then even more scared than I was in the first place. So, you can imagine how difficult this time in my life is for me, as we are left to our own devices to figure shit out. 

For the longest time I wanted to be able to grow up, and be able to make my own decisions, but now? Fuck that shit, get me out of here LOL- okay okay, sorry. 

As a kid, when I was faced with a choice, I would take a perpetual world ending length of time to figure out what to pick. If I chose to ride home with my mom instead of my dad after picking the truck up from the mechanic, I was sure my dad would hate me. What if we died on the way home and this was the last time, I saw him? I was eight– eight-year-olds shouldn’t have detrimental thoughts like this, right? Or maybe they do, and I’m not as weird as I thought I was. 

Now that I’m an adult, I’m sitting here afraid to step into my full potential. I’m terrified to share my two senses in class, and I’m absolutely scared shitless to be open and honest with my parents about how I feel.  

If you had told me a year ago that this is where I would be, that my life would look the way it does, I would have laughed in your face. But here we are, in a dorm room on the verge of tears because I miss the home I used to have. It feels like a fading image, and I’m losing the last grasps of what I used to hold so dear. My mom has moved out and is currently in another state visiting friends. My sisters are in high school, and we only exchange a few simple words over text. My dad is trying his hardest, and honestly, I miss him dearly. But here I am, needing to find my own version of myself. My past is holding me back, I’m stuck there, yet yurning for the future. I don’t want to take a step away, because that means more change, more scariness. I don’t want more of the unknown, so much so I can feel it weighing down on my chest like a bowling ball. 

There is no easy way to live. There isn’t an ‘I opt out of this decision to lay in my bed and watch YouTube videos all day’ button (god I wish there was). But if I want to live a life worth living, then we need to turn into that fear, that scary. Whether that’s admitting you don’t want something everyone seems to want for you, like an RA position, or looking at your parents and saying you did the thing they didn’t support, like getting an emotional support cat. As an adult, we have to know what is best for us, to look inward and make the hard choices away from the dependent side of us that wants to ask for reassurance. I don’t need their validation, and neither do you. What is it that will make you happy? What is it that you need to do for yourself to live the life that will be fulfilling to you, no one else. 

I’m scared. 

I think we all are in some way.

But just remember that, 

It’s ok to be scared.