Happiness--

Evening People! (Considering it’s almost 10 p.m. for me haha)--

Something was bothering me earlier, and I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. When it hit me, I felt like I should share with all of you- Sometimes I feel like I don’t want myself to be happy. I know that sounds like a really dark start to this post, but I think it’s something that is relatable for a lot of people. You see, I want everyone around me to be happy. I like to think I love all, but the person I don’t put effort towards is myself. I’m trying to work on it, but it’s really hard to fix in one go at it. It’s something that takes time, as you have to redirect your thinking, which sometimes is just so subconscious you may not pick up on it. 

I’ve wanted to get a cat for a while now, to register them as an emotional support animal on my campus, but I keep avoiding it. Whether I purposely don’t finish the paperwork until past the deadline, putting off adopting the cat I met at the shelter and loved so much, or even overthinking the opportunity to take in my family member's cats because they need to rehome them. If someone else came up to me right now and said they wanted to get an ESA (emotional support animal), or adopt a pet, I would hype them up so much! But the minute I want to do it for myself, I hear that little voice that wants to second guess myself.

Something I really like to do is ask other people for advice. I ask them what I should do, and I go and take that answer and run with it, to the point where I don’t even know if it’s really what I want to do! I try and ask myself what I do want, but for some odd reason that’s when my brain finally goes silent and doesn’t know what to think. However, that’s probably a coping mechanism. Like I said before, I want everyone around me to be happy, so if someone's opinion has already been stated to me (because I specifically asked them), then I don’t want to do the opposite, or they may be upset. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but that’s how my brain works. When it comes to the cat idea, I’ve had people tell me that they think it’ll hold me back, or that I won’t be able to handle it. The thing is, I’ve had animals my entire life. I’ve had four cats, four dogs, chickens, and goats. I think I can handle one cat. I get it though- I mean yes, I’m in college, but I don’t go out on weekends, or leave the dorm for more than a few hours at a time. In between classes I come back and do my work here, and I tend to stay on campus because I don’t have a car. 

The reason I wanted a cat in the first place was because I was having such a hard time on campus. I live five hours away from school, and it just didn’t feel like home. Since I’ve been here for two semesters now, I’m feeling a lot better about it. I’ve made some friends, I wave at people around campus, and I’m finally enjoying my classes/major. Despite the fact that I feel more comfortable here, I do think it would benefit me a lot if I had a pet. An animal to remind me that I have to get out of bed in the morning, remember to eat when they do, get on a schedule more, and to overall give me that purpose to really love my life. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s ok to do something that will make you happy. Adopt the cat, work that job you want to work, get the tattoo you’ve been thinking about for months, buy yourself a pair of shoes, or even go bring yourself out to eat. Whatever it may be, you deserve it. I know I can't let myself shut down when I have an idea, and someone counters it. It's ok to have that idea and want to share it with people, but if it makes you happy you just have to do it anyway. We can go through our lives doing things for other people, but we can also do things for ourselves. It's ok to let ourselves be happy. 

Have a great night all, 

- Lee